Softening

Perhaps, like me, you've struggled with a habit that just seemed impossible to break.  Suppress, tough it out, avoid temptation, do what you will, sooner or later will power just doesn't do the job, and the habit is back.

For me, it's cookies.  More accurately, it's a craving for sweets, most noticeably and irresistibly around 4:00 in the afternoon.  I've tried all sorts of distractions, and blamed many causes.  Nothing worked.

Just recently, though, I happened across the website of Karly Randolph Pitman called, The Heart of Food.  Her wise and heartfelt analysis of the roots of many eating issues points to the likelihood that early childhood experiences taught us that food, or in many cases sugar, became the "friend" one needed when other relationships failed.  The chemical dependencies that certain foods foster is only one aspect of the problem; the deeper issue concerns relationship.  How does one use sugar or other substances to self-soothe, to cope with trauma, to fill an emotional void?

Suddenly, I remembered a scene from my own childhood.  Our house rule was, "No eating after 4:00."  The rationale, of course, was that dinner was at 5:00, and snacks would "ruin your appetite."  But often enough I was desperately hungry right around 4:00, and couldn't have a small snack to tide me over.  So I found the secret cookie stash, and stole a few.  Never very many, but just enough to make it to 5:00.  At least, that's how I remember it.

A wave of emotion came over me at that memory.  Hunger, anger, shame, embarrassment, guilt.  And now, decades later, I still grab that 4:00 cookie (or whatever sweet snack is available), as a reward for getting through the workday, or whatever excuse comes to mind, hating myself all the time.  

Then I went back to Ms. Pitman's wise blog posts.  She advises her readers to take those deep and painful emotions and let them wash by.  Acknowledge their existence.  Forgive yourself for being a hungry 5 year old.  Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before, and soften your resistance to the negative feelings.  Such a gift!

Twice in the past week I've been in places where I might have reached for that cookie after work, and instead, chose to soften around the craving and move gently past it.  There are, of course, no guarantees that this will continue, but it's a wonderful start.  Ms. Pitman, thank you for being a shining light in a difficult area of life.  I am grateful.