In one month the Lindisfarne Community will gather for our annual retreat. Eleven months ago, I was recognized as a solitary within the community, a hermit in residence at the Wild Goose Hermitage, here in rural New Hampshire. It has been a busy year.
Some things have come to completion, some new opportunities have come up for consideration, and some roads were declared closed, at least for the time being. One thing I noticed, though, was that a combination of work responsibilities and life changes had me all wrapped up in anxiety about "what am I doing?" What should I do next? How will God use these changes? Where should I be looking for the next opportunity? Where will we live?
Sure enough, after too many weeks of that kind of thinking, I became quite sick. "Just" a respiratory thing, it has escalated enough to cause me to cancel some travel plans, and invited me to reflect back on my commitment to solitary life.
The call to solitude, for me anyway, has a lot to do with the practice of letting go of all the busy "doing" and resting in "being," in particular, being with God. Thing is, once in a while I think I actually "get it." I have a particularly peaceful meditation time, or a weekend of genuine recuperation and recollection. And then, wouldn't you know, I'm back fretting about work, or planning my next course, or chiding myself for not doing the vacuuming...
When I'm awake, I see clearly that "doing" is a trap. It is a trap because I will never do enough. No matter how much or how often or how well I do anything, it will never measure up, there will always be more to do.
"Being," however, is freedom. If I can let myself be, and especially be with God, then just breathing is enough. Just allowing myself to be drawn into silence is enough. Recollecting body, mind and heart into the present moment is enough.
I don't enjoy being sick, but this time around it has been a gift, a reminder that it is enough to just be, and let go of all the "doing" for a while. My prayer will be to take that reminder forward when I return to the routine.
Thank you for sharing this. I am narrowing down a life of simplicity myself as the past 6 years have been the most difficult to do so. Working 3 jobs to make ends meet and barely doing so... it's been anything but simple... WOW! Tears are present as i reflect on all the struggle and failures.. prayers unanswered and the disappointment that follows... I resonate with Mother Theresa's agony as she longed for a sense of God's presence and love... she gave what she was denied so often... I've learned much that left me more empty and clueless... the more I learn the further away from understanding I become. Simplicity is what I long for and pray for. When I try and imagine simplicity I get the same image over and over again... I'm outside picking black raspberries on a sunny morning with a cool breeze. I treat the plants as friend's gently plucking the berries, pushing away the weeds, feeling a part of what is true and pure.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I am narrowing down a life of simplicity myself as the past 6 years have been the most difficult to do so. Working 3 jobs to make ends meet and barely doing so... it's been anything but simple... WOW! Tears are present as i reflect on all the struggle and failures.. prayers unanswered and the disappointment that follows... I resonate with Mother Theresa's agony as she longed for a sense of God's presence and love... she gave what she was denied so often... I've learned much that left me more empty and clueless... the more I learn the further away from understanding I become. Simplicity is what I long for and pray for. When I try and imagine simplicity I get the same image over and over again... I'm outside picking black raspberries on a sunny morning with a cool breeze. I treat the plants as friend's gently plucking the berries, pushing away the weeds, feeling a part of what is true and pure.
DeleteThank you, James+. That cry of the soul for simplicity is, I think, a sign of the Spirit that prays without words from deep within our souls. I don't know about your raspberries, but perhaps there is a way to ask, "How can I make today a bit simpler?" and make the small, micro-changes that eventually accumulate into the larger life-changes that we desire. Blessings along the way!
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